On a music career. You know, the one I never really had or wanted.
Giving up isn't bad at all, really, if what we're giving up are the things that keep us from being truly alive. Seth Godin wrote a book a while back called The Dip which at its core was about knowing when to quit doing the things that don't work to the sometimes radical changes that will help you to get out of "the dip." Now, he's writing mostly about business and marketing, but I think the sentiment is applicable in a broader sense, too.
For me, this translates (naturally) into music. [Just as an aside, I tend to take EVERYTHING to two places to make some sense of them: 1.) To sports. Nearly everything under the sun can be illustrated to some degree by a good sports analogy and 2.) To the world of music and the music business. So now you know.] More to the point here, I spent a few years trying to do music the way you were "supposed" to, though I suppose my motivations were not so much in building a career for myself as a musician but rather an organization (a platform) with which I could help other musicians make careers for themselves.
But before I could help anyone, I felt that I needed to see if I could actually do it myself, and so I did the things musicians are supposed to do. You know, trying to build a fanbase, touring all over the place, having a cool haircut, etc. And while I had a blast making albums (even the low-fi "Flavor" ones I did at home), I never felt like the things I was doing really fit, nor was my haircut awesome enough. My efforts always seemed more like a means to an end (the "end" being a vault of experience that I could use to help other folks who did have awesome music and haircuts), but ultimately I was never successful at that part because it wasn't really something for which I felt a true passion. I was trying to shoehorn my foot into an ill-fitting shoe, and in the end, all I got out of it was a funny walk.
So here, months after I gave on trying to learn to walk in the wrong shoes, I am free to pursue and create music (and other things) with my heart. No more trying to build a fanbase. No more playing anywhere and everywhere just because I felt I had to have something to do (and to promote). No more personal branding. No more music business. No more "bigger and bigger" but more "smaller and smaller." Ah... it feels good.
Now, a couple of things I need to say here at the end. One, I'm not trying to discourage you or anyone from pursuing a career in music if that's what you want to do. Seriously. Go do it. Now. And two, if you choose, you could probably look at my "career" and surmise that I'm writing this blog post in this way because I wasn't talented enough to "make it" anyway. Well, you may be right.
But I also know now at the age of 31 that during the ten years that I tried to "do the music thing," I never once felt like I was doing something natural as a touring performing artist. Writing songs? Yes. Recording? Definitely. Building relationships through music? More please. But trying to "make it?" Nope. I mean, I ran a nonprofit for crying out loud.
So your road may lead you to being the world's next big rock band. I will cheer you on, knowing that I was not made to do what you do. Also, please remember to thank your mom when you win your first Grammy. But I'm excited now that my own road is in a direction of dropping the baggage of what I'm "supposed" to do to make the music I've always wanted to make, to play with the ideas I've always had of how to set it free into the world, and to hopefully build deeper bonds of friendship and brotherhood with the community of other artists I am blessed to have in my life. The art - the music - gets to exist on its own without me having to constantly pimp it out to anyone within earshot or feeling the pressure of making it support me financially.
I read this this morning from Oswald Chambers' My Utmost For His Highest:
"Paul [the apostle, not the Beatle - j.] is like a musician who does not need the approval of the audience if he can catch the look of approval from his Master."
I would say if I can do that, I will have been successful at my music. So here's to giving up on the things that never fit and giving my art (and myself) over to something better.
More to come.